Excuses

Growing up in my neck of the woods, kids learned fast it would go better for them to tell the truth rather than make excuses and blame others. This served me well and in turn when I became a parent I taught my child the same principle.  Admit you did it, you made a mistake, and you will work on correcting it in the future.  Easy, right?  I have found if this value was not instilled in us from a young age it’s not so easy when left to our own devices.

As far back as the beginning of biblical man and woman we have been trying to make excuses and pass the blame.

God: “Hey, Adam, what ya doin with that fruit?”

Adam: “Yo, God, I didn’t want this fruit, that woman you gave me, she made me eat it.”

God: “Hello Eve, what are eating?”

Eve: “Oh, something the snake gave me.”

Eve blames the snake and Adam does a two for one.  Not only does he blame the woman but blames God for giving him the woman!

And so it began, the unending myriad of excuses throughout the ages. Learned? Passed along in our DNA? Sin nature?  Who knows.  What I do know is we can all overcome this temptation to blame.  If we are willing to admit…are you ready for it…we aren’t perfect!  That hurt! The truth is “To err is human…”

So why is it when we make a bad choice we don’t wish to own up to it? Some will argue they are just explaining what happened.  Fine, so now you have  given  your reasoning behind what you did.  Now what?  Still didn’t hear you say you were wrong.  Didn’t hear you say, I made a mistake. Didn’t hear you say I’ll try not to do that in the future.  Didn’t hear you say sorry, or the dreaded humbling question, “Will you forgive me?”  Giving your reason is just another way of saying I’m excusing myself.  Sorry if that sticks in your craw but it is the truth.  Ninety nine percent of the time people know why you did what you did, they were probably there.  People aren’t looking for your reasons but for some personal accountability from you.

Here are some of my random thoughts on why people make excuses and pass blame:

1. Afraid of getting in trouble

2. Don’t want people to think less of them

3. They truly believe as long as they have a reason for what they did it is o.k. even if it hurt someone else

4. Embarrassment

5._____________  There must be other reasons perhaps you can fill in the blank.

The reason I bring this subject up is in the past several years this excuse giving and lack of personal accountabilty seems to be on the rise. In as young as two and three to full blown adults.   It is so bad that every little thing, even when there are no consequences attached, are blamed on someone else or an excuse is given.

“Johnny pick up that toy off the floor and put it away.”

“I didn’t do it, Sally did it.”

Wow! Was anyone blaming Johnny? No, but maybe Johnny can get out of picking it up if he blames someone else.  Look, I just came up with another reason people don’t accept blame.

When it is something more serious that needs addressed, even when the person’s back is against the wall and all of their excuses have fallen through, they will still say, I didn’t do anything wrong.

“Why did you pinch your sister, Joe?”

“Because she wouldn’t answer what I asked.”

“That is not acceptable.”

“Well, David (Joe’s brother) does it all the time.”

“We aren’t talking about David.” “You have no right to physically hurt another person.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Double wow!  It is so hard to help teens and adults see this when they were not raised in a home that put these principles to practice.

We see it everyday in politics.  Our own leaders don’t even follow this model of personal accountability each blaming the other party for anything that goes wrong.  Quick to take the credit if American people like it and quick to blame the other if they don’t.

So what is the answer to this growing epidemic?  It starts at home, with the parents, like everything else.  Parents need to start holding their children accountable at a very young age and teaching them it is the better way to admit to mistakes rather than making them afraid to do so.  So many times they are punished harshly for their mistakes is it any wonder they seek to blame others and make excuses?  Why not reward them for being honest?  But first parents need to be the example. Do your children hear you making excuses to them, your spouse, your neighbors, etc?  And lastly, parents must stop making excuses for their children.  I see it all the time.  “Oh, little Johnny wouldn’t do that.”  “It’s not my Johnny’s fault.” Then when little Johnny becomes an adult we see the same pattern when Johnny goes to jail or gets fired from every one of his jobs. The parents are still making excuses for him and blaming others for not understanding and treating Johnny right.

The truth is, all those reasons I listed for people not accepting responsibility are excuses in themselves.  If all the excuse makers would grab hold of the following truths perhaps that would be the beginning of making the world a better place for you and me:

1. The consequences will be less and perhaps not at all if you are upfront about your errors.

2. People will think more highly of you when you humble yourself. You will have earned their respect.

3. Understand that when you admit your mistakes first, people will be more willing to listen to your reasoning as long as you aren’t using it as an excuse.

4. Embarrassment comes from thinking we must be perfect.  Learning to laugh at ourselves puts others at ease.  Learning to say, “My Bad” can go a long way in bringing mutual laughter and dispel any embarrassment one might be feeling.

So don’t be a chicken!  Stop making excuses and start accepting personal accountability.